In Sorrow and In Joy

Sometimes life throws something at us out of the blue and we are suddenly floundering or struggling with emotions we didn’t know we had. Where things were certain, the edges become blurred, and we find ourselves trapped in the foreign land of sorrow and of joy.

Last week our friend Jane passed into glory following a sudden life-threatening illness. She had a few days of semi consciousness, before dying on Easter Monday, just over a week after becoming ill.

How do you process such sudden and shocking loss? I feel so sad and cannot believe she is gone. She was with us only two weeks ago at a conference we were leading. On the last day, as we said our goodbyes we were talking excitedly about how we would soon be together again as we were planning for Jane to join us on our holiday to Exmouth. She lived in Sidmouth and these last two years we’ve loved the fun of holidaying with her. We’d had so many laughs and lovely talks together too.

How could she be gone so suddenly? She is only a year older than me? How can life end so abruptly when she was still young?

In Psalm 42 David says My tears have been my food day and night. Ps 42:3

Over this last week I’ve understood that in a whole new way as my eyes keep filling with tears and my thoughts keep returning to Jane. And yet in the midst of the sadness there is joy too and thankfulness at so many things. The fact that she came to our conference immediately before this happened was amazing. I can treasure the memories of her smiles and love of worship. It makes me realise how the Lord knows all things including the number of our days. How wonderful that he inspired her to book for the conference just at that time. Another ‘God- incidence’ is that on the Saturday following the conference, Marilyn and I went to our local town for some shopping. A lady tapped us on the shoulder. We didn’t know her but it turned out she was Jane’s friend, living near her in Devon and attending her church. She just happened to be visiting our town in Kent that weekend and suddenly recognised us.

Because of that encounter, she was able to make contact with Marilyn when Jane became so ill. If we’d been just a few minutes later to walk up the high street, or if she’d had her back to us, we may not have found out till it was too late. As it was she was able to tell Jane that we loved her and were praying. She even played Jane some of Marilyn’s online Easter concert from her phone just a few hours before she died.

How wonderful that one of the last things she heard was Marilyn singing reassuring songs about God’s love and victory.

And of course, there is the joy of knowing she is with Jesus now. Jane loved wildlife and beauty so much and is now face to face with her beautiful Lord seeing all the wonders of Heaven. I long to be there myself, so am truly rejoicing that she is there and free forever from all pain and tears. She will be praying for us and my heart is at peace knowing we will meet again one day.

Sorrow and joy are the heart of the Easter message, and we cannot live without both. I may try to package my sorrow in nice words about Heaven and those words are true and joy giving. But sorrow is true too and I must allow myself, like Jesus, to weep, for weeping is the doorway to true hope and the joy that brings life.

One thing I often experience is that at times of deep emotion, I find my mind becomes full of a certain song going round in a loop. It tends to be songs from the 70’s as my hearing was a bit better then.

A couple of days before Jane died, Diana Ross’s haunting song ‘Touch me in the morning’ started playing in my mind. It’s very emotional and tears came as the melody played over and over. I kept trying to superimpose it with happy Christian songs as I felt I should be focussing on the joy not wallowing in the sorrow. That worked for a while, but then I’d get busy and would suddenly find that once again ‘Touch me in the morning’ was playing. What a bad Christian I was!

But after a few days of this, a friend said something amazing. ‘Tracy, why are you trying to silence this song? Could it be that God just wants you to sit with it and quietly embrace your sadness? Maybe you have other tears too that need to be shed? Why not just let Jesus hold you and weep the tears as they come until the song melts away?’

It hadn’t occurred to me that Jesus might be inviting me, through the song, to sit with my sorrow, feel my loss and weep with Him. How lovely and tender is His love for us. I am finding it a real comfort to be real and not to fight to hide those uglier feelings. They do not deny the joy which is beautiful and eternal, but they are the process I need to walk the dark, rocky path into the sunshine and beauty of joy.

There is something so life giving and awesome when a sunbeam suddenly shines through massed rainclouds. The sunbeam of hope, the butterflies of new life, the rainbow of promise.

In the evening I may weep, but joy comes in the morning.