I am no gardener. In fact, I often laughingly define myself as the world’s worst gardener as I always pull up the wrong things and kill the plants I’m supposed to be nurturing. But despite this, I am still aware of the ongoing nature of most garden chores. I might mow the lawn but 2 weeks later the grass is high again. I pull out weeds but they are soon back. I clear the patio of tufts only to see them return with a vengeance. This reality is what always puts me off: What’s the point of slaving to clear the garden of weeds when they’ll soon be back worse than before?
But the other day when I was gloomily surveying the defiant weeds, a little voice within me, said, ‘if your heart was your garden, would it be weed free?’
I was shocked! My initial thought was, ‘well yes, of course, because Jesus has given me a new heart and made me completely clean.’ But almost immediately I found my thoughts turning to the many verses in the New Testament encouraging us to be diligent to recognise the ‘weeds’ like jealousy, fear, gossip, bitterness, anger . . . and work with the Lord to claim His victory and cleansing. Yes, I thought, I am completely clean, but I need to live that out daily. I felt very thoughtful as I continued with my day and realised that those weeds could easily choke my inner garden if I didn’t work on them regularly with Jesus.
Later I was taking a bath and began to sing worship songs while soaking in the water. (The bath is my place to worship as I can’t hear music and never know when or how to join in with others). I was singing about God’s forgiveness, and rejoicing in His love. I prayed, ‘Lord is there anything in my heart that’s making you sad?’ I sensed Him showing me that I had a big weed of resentment that was choking my spiritual growth. I was shocked and asked Him to show me what it was about? I became aware that deep down I resented other’s success. Many of my writer friends had been winning awards recently for their work. I was and am delighted for them but at the core of my being there was a little voice saying that my work was inferior and everyone else would get awards or be feted but I never would. I hadn’t acknowledged this lie from Satan and so the insecurity had turned to resentment and self-pity.
I felt ashamed that I’d allowed these thoughts to become so toxic. They were false to me because my greatest longing is to become more and more like Jesus, freely giving encouragement to all, rejoicing with those who rejoice with no hidden bad feelings. But the root (every weed has a root) was my buried sense of inferiority stemming from my childhood. God had healed so much of that old pain but like with all gardens, our healing and wholeness needs to be maintained so that His beauty can always shine out of our lives.
I told Him I was so sorry and asked Him to forgive and set me free and for my deepest thoughts to be cleansed and renewed in His love. I felt a real lightness and joy in my spirit. At the end I tentatively asked Him how He saw my heart. To my amazement He gave me a picture of a beautiful sapphire in His hand. It was the deepest blue and shining with light. I was reminded of the lovely verse in Isaiah 62:3 ‘A royal diadem in the hand of your God.’ My heart swelled with thankfulness. His forgiveness and mercy, acceptance and love are amazing and I’m so glad He is my gardener and unlike me, will never become disillusioned with tending us, His precious gardens.